A Little Piece of Advice

Appropriate things to say to a pregnant woman:

• You look beautiful!
• From behind, you don't even look pregnant.
• Here - take my seat.
• You're glowing!
• Would you like to share my sandwich?
• You're all baby. 
• Can I help you carry [insert heavy item here]? 
• You are amazing. 
• I have snacks in my desk if you are hungry. 
• Yes. 

Inappropriate things to say to a pregnant woman:

• Are you sure you're only XX months along? 
• How much weight have you gained anyway?
• Are you eating again?
• My wife only gained 15 pounds when she was pregnant with our baby.
• Are you still pregnant? 
• I think you've gotten bigger since yesterday!
• Calm down - that's just your hormones.   
• I ate the last ice cream sandwich. 
• Oh my God, you're huge!
• No. 

Y'all best take note...or beware the wrath of the huge, hungry, about-to-pop, hormonal pregnant woman. 

Relax - Cool Your Jets

I had an upsetting doctor's appointment today.  Nothing's wrong with Bean, don't worry!  Bean's fine, but apparently, his mother hasn't been taking as good of care of herself as she should.

I can't believe it, seriously.  I feel like I've been doing everything right, and I've been so proud of myself for how how much I've been able to do, how healthy I feel I've been, how good I've felt for the majority of this pregnancy.  But I guess it wasn't enough.

I have to slow down.  Apparently, I am anemic so now I need to take iron supplements.  I need to sleep more, rest more, do *nothing* more.  I have to reduce hours at work.  I need to stay off my feet.  I need to relax and remain stress-free. 
Stress-free?  Has this woman MET me?!  I'm never stress-free. 

And these newfound guidelines have me even more stressed out than before.  Reduced hours at work?  How is that going to work?  Resting more?  But I have things to DO. 

I feel powerless and out of control.  And we all know that I do not like it when I am not in control.  I am emotional and kind of freaking out and feeling sorry for myself.  And at the same time, I am tired.  I am just so tired. 

Being a woman is exhausting. 

Don't Worry, Mommy

I read this Dan Savage article at lunch today, and I cried. 

The It Gets Better Project is about hope.  The article and the videos are messages of hope and futures and the-best-is-yet-to-come.  And I understand that and appreciate those that participated in this project.  But as I read the article and thought about Justin & Billy while simultaneously feeling my little guy kick and flip, I could not help crying. 

As I prepare for my new role as a mother, I find myself feeling these stories on a much deeper level than before.  I consider the possibilities in a much different way.  What if I (God Forbid, Knock On Wood, Shut Your Mouth) discovered my child as Justin & Billy's Mothers did?  What if my kid is bullied or picked on or beat up?  What if my kid is the one doing the bullying?  What if I can't protect him from this cruel world?  What if I protect him too much?  What if, what if, what if?

Along with a brand new name, this little worrywort has a whole new list of worries.

Let's Get Physical

Heard all together too often around the Cunningham/D'Andrea household as of late:

"Baby, look how ____ my ____ is!"
"Oh my God, your ____ are ____!"
"Um, why are my ____ purple?"
"Good lord, why do I have ____ here?"
"Holy shit, is that a ___ on your ____?"
"I'm having a meltdown because I just discovered a ____!" 

Yes, Gentle Reader, the continued physical joys of pregnancy are never-ending. And you will thank me for sparing you the details.  Tim is not so lucky. 

Mind/Body/Baby

It is a bizarre experience to have one's body change so quickly and so drastically.  One's mind simply cannot keep up.  I mean, in my head, I am still myself.  I still want to spend long afternoons drinking beer and bar-hopping with Tim.  I still have the urge to eat sushi and rare meat and runny eggs.  I still want to wear 4-inch heels.  I still want to lift heavy things and sweat while working out and walk up Pine without being winded.  I am still the fun-loving, nonpregnant girl I used to be.  But my body begs to differ.

Beer and nigiri and beef carpaccio are out.  Super foods and Omega-3s and vitamins are in.  Sexy shoes are out.  Shoe pads and (yikes) support hose are are in.  Running and hardcore cardio are out.  Mellow yoga while communing with my unborn child and slow walks around Green Lake are in. 

And then, of course, we have the physical changes.  The changes that shock me when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  The changes that seem to continue each and every day without fail.  The changes that make me feel, well, not like me. 

I am exisiting in someone else's body.  And I am not alone.  I have company.  All of the time. 

And so, for the next 4 months, we will coexist.  The three of us:  Mind/Body/Baby, together in an ever-expanding vessel.

Compartments Where Stuff Can Go

So I haven't blogged at all since getting pregnant.  Seriously, it's pretty much to the day.  I've been thinking about it a lot, running through ideas and words in my head, actually crafting posts, but not quite getting aroung to writing them.  Why?  For awhile I assumed it was because we didn't announce our pregnancy right away.  But even after it was all Facebook-worthy, I still held back.  It's not lack of time or inclination or fodder.  Nope.  See, writing it all down would make it real.  When I write, I am forced to look fears and flaws head on.  Reality becomes tangible and visible and clear.

I haven't been denying the fact that I am with child.  Of course not.  It's just that there are so many thoughts, fears, hopes, worries, excitements that go along with it.  It's just *so much* to think about, to process, to take in.  And so, I compartmentalize.  Today, I will think about our birth plan.  Tomorrow, I will think about breast-feeding.  On the weekend, I'll tackle childcare and money issues. 

And so, after 21 weeks on hiatus, this blog is back.  I think I'm finally ready to put some of these thoughts on paper (or laptop, as it were) and bust down the dividers in the compartment.  And if not, well, as Scarlett might say in the year 2011 - I just won't blog today.  No, I'll blog about this tomorrow.

A Seasonal Haiku

Roast beef, stews, and pies
Potatoes, bourbon, cider
Winter makes me fat

Split Personality

I took a personality test the other day.  The questions were of the usual personality test variety - lots of "I always" and "I never" and "I am" and "I feel".  There were, like, 500 questions or something, and many of them were repetitive.

4.  I am a happy person and always in a good mood.  TRUE
27.  I am a moody person and often irritable.  TRUE
209.  I am patient with others.  TRUE
355.  I feel frustrated at others lack of understanding of a situation.  TRUE
400.  I do not like confrontation.  TRUE
415.  I can be quick to get angry and will easily express it.  TRUE

What does this tell you about my personality?  Now you know who I am?

I am exactly who I say I am, and tomorrow I am someone else entirely.

I am woman - untraceable by tests, uncageable by categories.

Dirty

I like to mess up beauty.  I like to get clean things dirty.  I like to create chaos where there would otherwise be sameness.  I like to muddy the perfect. 

I want to casually knock over rows and rows of carefully placed dominos.  I want to kiss a perfectly made-up cheek with garish hot pink lipstik.  I want to fuck wildly on a well-made bed.  I want to smudge newsprinty fingers on important work documents.  I want to spill coffee on white linen pants.  I want to use the black crayon to color outside of the lines.  I want to fondle all of the sculputures and caress all of the paintings in the Louvre.  I want to chip my purple dishes as I wash them.    

I want imperfection.  I want faults and flaws.  I want snags and defects.  In imperfection, we find true beauty. 

Autumn Love Song

It smells like fall today.  Like Michigan fall.  Like Michigan. 

I love Seattle, but I miss Michigan.  I miss my family and my friends and the seasons and the friendly and the accents and the Lakes and the smells.  Each season has a distinct smell in Michigan.  You can step outside, breathe deep and know exactly what time of year it is.  Fall is the best, it's my favorite season, my favorite smell.  It's pumpkin pie and crisp leaves, tart apples and Halloween, thick tights and bittersweet endings, spicy bourbon and Friday night football games, family and fireplaces, chilly mornings and melancholy nights.  It's a little sad, a little disappointing.  It is without hope or promise.  And then, just as quickly, it becomes warm and delicious and bright.

This is every day during the autumn in Michigan.  It doesn't happen as often here.  It is a lucky day, an ever-so-slightly sad day, a day made for a glass of Cabernet, to smell fall here.  And then suddenly, there's that familiar tug, that pull towards the middle. 

No matter where I am, my compass always points towards Michigan.  Always my home, forever fall.

Some People Say It's Lucky

A funny thing happened on my way home from my Nutrition final today....

I was walking back from downtown to my car, and as I turned from Stewart on to Westlake, I heard birds chirping.  Then I heard more birds.  And then it was, like, a shitload of birds.  It was dark, mind you.  Evening.  And it sounded like I was in the middle of a rainforest.  I looked up, searching for the bird party.  Nope, nothing, can't see them.  Not shocking because, as I said, it was dark.  But seriously, they were so loud, and it sounded like there were millions of them. 

What was going on?  Surely there couldn't be that many real birds out and about at 730pm.  Could there be microphones in the trees magnifying their sounds?  You know, like some sort of art installation?  Or maybe they weren't any birds there at all.  Maybe it was actually some sort of Candid Camera trick, bird noises piped into downtown Seattle to make innocent tourists and passersby look around for dive-bombing winged warriors.  Or possibly someone was producing a remake of "The Birds"? 

And then, as bird shit plopped down on to the sleeve of my coat, I realized no.  It was just a lot of birds. 

Validation Street

I said to someone the other day that I "don't normally need validation" in my life. When I said it, I actually believed it. For some reason, though, this statement has been nagging at me. And so, as I often do when I'm obsessing learning about something, I looked up the defintion.

val·i·date   [val-i-deyt]

–verb (used with object), -dat·ed, -dat·ing.

1. to make valid; substantiate; confirm: Time validated our suspicions.
 
Now I realize what a ridiculous statement that actually was - not for everybody, but for me.  Of course, I need others to substaniate my work or my thoughts or my feelings.  Of course, I need confirmation that I am a marketing dynamo, that I look cute in my new top, that my blog is funny.  Of course, I do. 
 
Someday, I will be that sort of woman who is so strong and so confident and so self-assured that she doesn't need any validation from anyone, any place, any time. 
 
But for now, just tell me you like me.

I Just Looked Away For A Second

***Disclaimer:  This post was inspired by nothing except years of musing on the topic and possibly a Tori Amos song. 

Sometimes we, as coupled folks, get our heads turned.  You know what I mean by "heads turned", right?  We get, shall we say, distracted by someone that is not our partner.  Maybe it lasts for a dance or a song or a drink.  Or maybe it's a little more durable - it becomes a crush.  This person is not your partner.  You don't pick their dirty undies off the floor.  You don't bicker with them over the little things...or the big things.  They can be anything you want them to be.  And so, our heads are turned. 

It's natural, normal, human for us to turn around for someone else every now and then.  Fidelity is a gift we give our partners. I certainly wouldn't say it comes naturally. It's work.  It's hard.  Often, we fail.  I've failed - but not for a long time.  Having our heads turned is almost like a get-out-of-jail-free card.  As long as you don't act on it. 

Tim and I made a deal a long time ago that we would tell each other about our crushes.  (And if anyone tries to tell me that they've never had a crush on anyone else than their partner, I will openly call them a liar.)  I think this seems like a good thing.  When you talk about it with your partner, they are now part of that world.  Nothing secretive, nothing is hidden.  And who knows?  Maybe you might have a little fun with it.  Depending.   

Mmm, the fantasy of someone you don't know well.  The imagining of who they might be, who you want them to be.  The not knowing.  That delicious taste of ambiguity.

Brand New Year

I have been decidedly neglectful when it comes to this blog.  My Birthday Goal is to write more, and so, with just 9 days remaining before the big day, I might as well get started.

Yes, Gentle Reader, I am turning 34 this year.  I will officially enter my mid-thirties.  I will be in my last year before moving on to a new age range on surveys and stuff.  So.  Does anyone remember my 33rd birthday?  I bet some of you do because I am *quite* vocal when I'm upset about something.  And wow, was I upset.  I hated my birthday last year.  I was unhappy with where I was in life - in a lot of ways.  I really just wanted the day to end. 

But this is a brand new year.

I am in a much different place.  And on this year's birthday, I will actually be in a different place.  Las Vegas.  Oh hell yeah.  No one can be blue in Vegas on their birthday. 

I might even bring some ether. 

"There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning. "

Day 8 - later on

I wanted to go to Taco Tuesday for beers and (duh) tacos, but I resisted.  Instead dinner was a tuna salad sammie on Udi's and some curried quinoa.  A bit of rock melon and a glass of wine for dessert.  Yeah, in the end, it was the better choice. 

Still feeling tired and super crabby.  Is this from the lack of wheat/dairy?  My body adjusting to the newness of it all?  Or am I just tired and crabby as I often am on Tuesdays? 

Day 8 - Still Snacking

I wake up a bit tired, but still feeling positive and upbeat.  Breakfast is a banana and some blueberries plus sunflower seeds a little later on.  A great morning at work has me feeling confident and motivated.  I'm still feeling like I'm constantly looking for something to eat, but I manage to resist the wheat & dairy snacks. 

Lunch is a big ol' huge salad with mixed greens, beets, cabbage, radishes, cucumbers, artichokes, olives, almonds and a falafel patty.  SO good and super satisfying. 

Afternoon energy levels start to sink.  Eyelids are heavy.  An annoyance at work causes a ton of grief.  I'm stoked when I'm finally at home for the day.  Unfortunately, the tiredness and grogginess stays with me.  I don't have any energy to do any of the many things I *could* be doing this evening.  Instead, I lay on the couch, read, and play online.  The motivation from yesterday is gone.  I try and combat it with a snack of hummus and falafel chips - YUM. 

Still, overall, I think the wheat-free (or basically wheat-free) lifestyle suits me.  I don't know why, but I really think it's the wheat and not the dairy that disagrees with my body.  Maybe cause I don't really eat *that* much dairy, and I definitely consume a lot more wheat - especially in its beer form.  Or maybe I'm just trying to justify eating a piece of cheese. 

Day 7 - Nervous Nelly

Day 7, but really more like Day 5 because of the mess-ups on the real Days 5 & 6.  But who's counting?

I wake up feeling anxious.  I didn't sleep great, and I've just got a lot of anxiety going on with work stuff this week.  We're also out of coffee, and that isn't helping.  I scarf down a piece of frittata for breakfast, and anxiously, I'm off to face the world.

It is a crazy whirlwind sort of day, but I am amazingly productive.  The anxiety seems to fade away, and I honestly can't believe how much I get done.  I am a bit snacky though.  I eat a mini-bag of Popchips around noon, and for lunch I have vegan split pea soup and some leftover popcorn with truffle salt.  Later in the afternoon, I have a mini-Lara Bar and some sunflower seeds.  I don't normally snack this much at work. 

I'm on a later shift so I get home later than normal, but I still have a ton of energy.  Feeling good, I BBQ some chicken with Oregon Dan's BBQ sauce accompanied by corn on the cob and asapargus.  Awesome, summery feeling meal.  I force myself to go to bed because I've got a super early day tomorrow, but this was the most energy I'd had in awhile.  And this morning's anxiety is gone. 

Day 4 later on & Days 5/6

Friday night's dinner was amazing.  Grilled halibut with tons of grilled veggies.  Gorgeous.  Oh, and did I mention the tons of wine?  Yeah.

P.S.  Hangovers are not good for the dairy-free, wheat-free, processed foods-free diet.

Day 5:  I wake up horribly hungover, and I have to go to work.  Sigh.  I make myself a PB&J on Udi's gluten free bread for the road, and it does help.  Udi's is surprisingly good.  I mean, the slices are small, but still.  It'll do in a pinch. 
I felt like crap all day, but it definitely wasn't because of the diet.  I'm fortunate to work at WFM because I am able to have someone fix me grilled salmon and arugla salad for lunch.  So even with a hangover, I managed to stick with it.  Post-lunch, and feeling better.

Sadly, it's all downhill from here.

Evening of Day 5:  We head out to a bar, and I eat a grilled cheese sammie with 2 cheeses on sourdough, and I have 3 beers.  Not good.

Day 6:  It's Sunday, and I already know I am not going to be strong.  I start off well - a slice of frittata.  But it's all downhill from there....

We head out for a late lunch, and I eat wings and salad and fries - which all would have been okay (no dairy, no wheat), but then I added blue cheese dressing and 2 beers.  Once again, not good. 

Overall, the weekend has not been good for my elimination diet.  But Monday is another day, another week, another chance to deprive myself of things I love.

Day 4 - Naming Names

Once again, I was starving last night.  I seem to be satisfied all day, but later in the evening, I'm all snacky and looking for something to munch on.  I wonder if this is just habit, something I do while watching TV or having a cocktail.  Could it be that my body has just come to expect late night snacking?  Definitely something to think about.

I had an appointment this morning, so I had to wolf down a few strawberries and blueberries for breakfast.  Not a good start to the day.  Looking back, I probably should have taken advantage of that Banana Luna Bar.  Still, energy levels are still good, mood is upbeat - although that may just be because I'm not working today.

I did a little gluten-free, dairy-free shopping this morning so hopefully I will have some more options when it comes to meals.  Some fun special diet items I picked up include Amy's canned soups (Split Pea & Chili), Oregon Dan's BBQ sauce, AJ's Walla Walla Sweet Onion Mustard with Garlic, Udi's Whole Grain Bread and Flamous Organic Falafel Chips.  I haven't much of it, but you know I ripped that bag of chips open as soon as I got in the care.  Very pleasantly surprised.  I got the Spicy flavor, and they're really flavorful - not to mention the fact that they have NO wheat, dairy, lactose, trans fat, cholestoral, msg, hydrogenated oil, GMOs, preservatives, artificial colors or flavors.  WOW.  When I got home, I dipped them in the mustards, and they were even better.  And I'm sure they're perfect for hummus.

For brunch, I made a spanish tortilla - basically a frittata.  It has red pepper, onion, yukon gold potatoes, parsley, and eggs.  So, so yummy!  Thanks, Martha Stewart!

Stay tuned for more special diet updates. 

Day 3 part 2

I almost forgot to mention my new favorite gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free snack - Luna Bars!  I tried the Cherry Pie flavor today, and seriously, so good.  They have 3 ingredients:  cherries, dates, almonds.  That's it.  No wonder they are so good. 

They are right around 200-250 calories for anyone who cares about such things.

Tomorrow's flavor:  Banana Bread.  I'll let you know.