Mind/Body/Baby

It is a bizarre experience to have one's body change so quickly and so drastically.  One's mind simply cannot keep up.  I mean, in my head, I am still myself.  I still want to spend long afternoons drinking beer and bar-hopping with Tim.  I still have the urge to eat sushi and rare meat and runny eggs.  I still want to wear 4-inch heels.  I still want to lift heavy things and sweat while working out and walk up Pine without being winded.  I am still the fun-loving, nonpregnant girl I used to be.  But my body begs to differ.

Beer and nigiri and beef carpaccio are out.  Super foods and Omega-3s and vitamins are in.  Sexy shoes are out.  Shoe pads and (yikes) support hose are are in.  Running and hardcore cardio are out.  Mellow yoga while communing with my unborn child and slow walks around Green Lake are in. 

And then, of course, we have the physical changes.  The changes that shock me when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  The changes that seem to continue each and every day without fail.  The changes that make me feel, well, not like me. 

I am exisiting in someone else's body.  And I am not alone.  I have company.  All of the time. 

And so, for the next 4 months, we will coexist.  The three of us:  Mind/Body/Baby, together in an ever-expanding vessel.

Compartments Where Stuff Can Go

So I haven't blogged at all since getting pregnant.  Seriously, it's pretty much to the day.  I've been thinking about it a lot, running through ideas and words in my head, actually crafting posts, but not quite getting aroung to writing them.  Why?  For awhile I assumed it was because we didn't announce our pregnancy right away.  But even after it was all Facebook-worthy, I still held back.  It's not lack of time or inclination or fodder.  Nope.  See, writing it all down would make it real.  When I write, I am forced to look fears and flaws head on.  Reality becomes tangible and visible and clear.

I haven't been denying the fact that I am with child.  Of course not.  It's just that there are so many thoughts, fears, hopes, worries, excitements that go along with it.  It's just *so much* to think about, to process, to take in.  And so, I compartmentalize.  Today, I will think about our birth plan.  Tomorrow, I will think about breast-feeding.  On the weekend, I'll tackle childcare and money issues. 

And so, after 21 weeks on hiatus, this blog is back.  I think I'm finally ready to put some of these thoughts on paper (or laptop, as it were) and bust down the dividers in the compartment.  And if not, well, as Scarlett might say in the year 2011 - I just won't blog today.  No, I'll blog about this tomorrow.

Autumn Love Song

It smells like fall today.  Like Michigan fall.  Like Michigan. 

I love Seattle, but I miss Michigan.  I miss my family and my friends and the seasons and the friendly and the accents and the Lakes and the smells.  Each season has a distinct smell in Michigan.  You can step outside, breathe deep and know exactly what time of year it is.  Fall is the best, it's my favorite season, my favorite smell.  It's pumpkin pie and crisp leaves, tart apples and Halloween, thick tights and bittersweet endings, spicy bourbon and Friday night football games, family and fireplaces, chilly mornings and melancholy nights.  It's a little sad, a little disappointing.  It is without hope or promise.  And then, just as quickly, it becomes warm and delicious and bright.

This is every day during the autumn in Michigan.  It doesn't happen as often here.  It is a lucky day, an ever-so-slightly sad day, a day made for a glass of Cabernet, to smell fall here.  And then suddenly, there's that familiar tug, that pull towards the middle. 

No matter where I am, my compass always points towards Michigan.  Always my home, forever fall.

Day 4 - Naming Names

Once again, I was starving last night.  I seem to be satisfied all day, but later in the evening, I'm all snacky and looking for something to munch on.  I wonder if this is just habit, something I do while watching TV or having a cocktail.  Could it be that my body has just come to expect late night snacking?  Definitely something to think about.

I had an appointment this morning, so I had to wolf down a few strawberries and blueberries for breakfast.  Not a good start to the day.  Looking back, I probably should have taken advantage of that Banana Luna Bar.  Still, energy levels are still good, mood is upbeat - although that may just be because I'm not working today.

I did a little gluten-free, dairy-free shopping this morning so hopefully I will have some more options when it comes to meals.  Some fun special diet items I picked up include Amy's canned soups (Split Pea & Chili), Oregon Dan's BBQ sauce, AJ's Walla Walla Sweet Onion Mustard with Garlic, Udi's Whole Grain Bread and Flamous Organic Falafel Chips.  I haven't much of it, but you know I ripped that bag of chips open as soon as I got in the care.  Very pleasantly surprised.  I got the Spicy flavor, and they're really flavorful - not to mention the fact that they have NO wheat, dairy, lactose, trans fat, cholestoral, msg, hydrogenated oil, GMOs, preservatives, artificial colors or flavors.  WOW.  When I got home, I dipped them in the mustards, and they were even better.  And I'm sure they're perfect for hummus.

For brunch, I made a spanish tortilla - basically a frittata.  It has red pepper, onion, yukon gold potatoes, parsley, and eggs.  So, so yummy!  Thanks, Martha Stewart!

Stay tuned for more special diet updates. 

Day 1 - more kale, less camembert

Please welcome me back after a months-long hiatus. 

So here's the deal. For the next two weeks minimum, I will try definitely omit wheat, dairy, and processed foods from my diet.  I suspect I may have an allergy to either gluten or lactose, and I'm hoping a little elimination diet will help.  Also, who couldn't use a few more fruits and veggies in their diet?  So that's it.  No wheat.  No dairy.  No crap.  How hard could it be?  Yeah, right.

Also, I'm going to try and blog about this every day, not so much for the Gentle Reader's entertainment, but really just to keep a record of it all. 

Day 1 has actually gone very well. 

Breakfast - Steel cut oats with vanilla almond milk and blueberries
Lunch - Lemon quinoa with dried cranberries and raw kale with tahini garlic sauce 
Dinner - Grilled salmon with aspargus, mushroom and onion stir-fry plus strawberries
Snack - Sunflower seeds

All great meals, never felt deprived, wasn't ever really hungry or denying cravings.  I definitely could have come home and had a slice of cheese before dinner.  I didn't.  Energy level was good.  Didn't notice a real change.  Overall, day 1 was a success.

Back to the Beginning

It's the last day of the year. I think today is a really interesting, fine-balance sort of a day because while everyone is all reflective and focused inward on the past 365 days, we are also looking forward toward the future. The next 365 days hold nothing but promise. Today, 2010 can be anything we want it to be. And with resolutions firmly in place, we can envision our perfect year.

I like this idea. The idea of standing at the start of the yellow brick road, the possibilities stretched out before us. We can see the months of the year laid out in front of us. We strain our eyes to see the days ahead, but they disappear into the horizon. There's so much potential, so much promise, so much opportunity. This is the year, we think to ourselves. This year will be the best year yet.

But why is this feeling of hope limited to one or two days of the year? Why must we measure our lives so rigidly? Why are we limited by calendars and schedules and Outlook? Why can't every day be the first day?

There's nothing we can do today that a little resolution tomorrow won't fix.

It's My Party, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Yesterday, I was all set to write a blog about turning 33 today, and not looking back and thinking ahead toward the future, and blah, blah, blah. Well, I never quite managed to get around to writing it yesterday.

And today seems to be a different day entirely.

Yes, it’s my 33rd birthday today. And I am definitely not feeling the birthday fun. I have absolutely no desire to wear my birthday tiara. In fact, it’s possible that I may stomp on my birthday tiara.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m having the hardest time with this birthday. There’s no reason in particular. I am not afraid of getting older. I am okay with the lines on my face and the gray in my hair. In general, I am a very happy person – I like the person that I’ve become over the past 33 years. So what’s the problem? I guess I had always thought I would be in a different place by this time: accomplished more, acquired more, done more. I am not married – divorced in fact. No family. No real career path. I feel like I look around at many of my high school and college friends, and they seem so together. Big time careers, marriage, babies, success. I realize that I have never, okay, not always taken the traditional path. I know that I have often taken life’s scenic route. And that is something I usually really like about myself. But lately, I’ve been sort of wishing, longing even, for something more traditional. Is this a grass is always greener situation? I mean, I’m certainly not regretting all of places I’ve been, the experiences I’ve had, the uniqueness of my life. But today I’m wondering if I’ve taken too many detours along the way. I’m so far away from the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and the Outback station wagon, I can’t even envision what they might look like.

I don’t like this feeling of, dare I say it – regret. This was supposed to be my blog about looking toward the future with positive and hopeful eyes. And instead, I’m just looking back at a life that is no longer an option.

Off to work now. Maybe fighting the good fight will make my birthday blues seem a little less important. It certainly should.

I'm Out

I’ll admit it: I was a Project Runway virgin.

I was always wholeheartedly committed to America’s Next Top Model, and for some reason, I just didn’t feel like I had it in me to be faithful to both shows. (Possibly my self-esteem can only take one hour a week of watching 90 pound waifs traipse down the runway, voluminous hair flying...) However, after what seems like 19 seasons of watching Tyra become progressively crazy – the voices, the dances, the overall kitsch – and not to mention the fact that the “models” seemed to be chosen based on the likelihood of them having an on-air breakdown culminating with the admission of an abusive parent, an eating disorder, or lack of a serious boyfriend, I knew I had to make a change.

And so, my conversion to Project Runway was underway.

We are now about half way through the season, and I have made a major discovery about myself. Brace yourselves, friends, for this bombshell.

I know nothing about fashion.

Whew. It feels good to put that out there. This is how I know that I know nothing about fashion. Every time I watch a “garment” (okay, I know the proper terminology, yay!) go down the runway, and I think to myself, “Wow, how cute is that? Love it”, that will invariably be the look that gets slammed by Michael and Heidi and all their friends, and that designer will go home. EVERY TIME, PEOPLE. And when I see another garment and go, “Ewwww”, that will absolutely be the winner. I could lay bets on it at this point.

But what can be done? At this point, I think I’m a lost cause. So I guess I’ll stick with my
J Crew/Banana Republic/Ann Taylor Loft with some Target mixed-in wardrobe. And I’ll like it.

P.S. I do believe I am correct about one fashion-related piece. See below.

Tim Gunn: Don’t even get me started on leggings.

Emily D’Andrea: Word.

What should I do?

Help! Need advice!

I got married when I was 24 years old. We were married 4 years. We've now been divorced for as long as we were married. I have mostly happy memories of this marriage, but that's all they are: memories. I have a completely new life now. A new partner, a new city, a new view on a lot of things.

Here's my question. Do I sell my wedding ring? It is a beautitful ring. I picked it out, and I love it. I love it. But I will obviously never wear it again. So do I sell it? Out with the old and in with the new? Do I hang on to it for memory's sake? Do I take the diamonds out of it and make something brand new?

I didn't think I would ever get rid of it, but lately, I've sort of been feeling like what's the point? No matter how much I love it, it represents something that no longer exists. I'm not hanging on to it because I am still harboring feelings for the man. Nope. I think I harbor feelings for the ring though. And also, my Mom once told me not to get rid of it. She said I would want it at some point. But will I really? Would it be better to sell it, and use the money toward something else? Or should I just put it away and revisit this in another 4 years?

So any other advice? Has anyone else gone through this? I need some guidance.

No Time For Losers

I made a discovery about myself this weekend. I am hyper-competitive, and it is not entirely attractive. I announced this to Tim and Abra, and they were not quite as surprised by my revelation as I. In fact, Tim nodded vigorously in agreement, and said, "Yeah, Babe, sometimes you can be scary." Ouch.

Without going into the unflattering details, my Soccer Mom level of competiveness reached new heights on Saturday during a particulary heated game of Flip Cup. Yes, a drinking game. Even as I was yelling at team members, verbally abusing the opposite team, and beating myself up over our loss, I could see that my behavior was, well, not good. And yet, I could not stop myself.

I know that competition is healthy, and even having a competitive spirit is a good thing. But there has got to be a limit. And so, no more yelling "You let the team down!" to my Euchre partners. No more throwing the Scrabble board across the room when Tim uses both the X and Z in a triple score word. No more trash talking during games or competitions of any sort. I will remain competitive, but in a healthy, fun-having, good sport sort of way.

All gloating and self-congratulation will, of course, continue to take place internally. I mean, a zebra can't totally change her stripes, right?

Wednesday

Good conversation. Great friends. Decent wine. So why does everything feel all mixed up?

I miss "normal".

KJK, I miss you already.

Crisis 2009

I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “crisis” today. What exactly constitutes a crisis in your mind? I have helpfully provided a few definitions from dictionary.com. See below:

cri-sis
noun

1. a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, esp. for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.

2. a condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change.

3. a dramatic or circumstantial upheaval in a person’s life.

4. the point in a play or story at which hostile elements are most tensely opposed to each other.

So, based on the above definitions, a crisis is when a person’s future, or a country’s future, or an organization’s future, or even socio-economic futures are inevitably going to be changed. I suppose many of us may not realize that we’re in the midst of a crisis until we’ve actually come out on the other side. Or perhaps some people just don’t want to admit that they or their surroundings are in crisis-mode because they are afraid of panicking others. But based on these definitions, there really doesn’t seem to be a lot of room for debate, right? A crisis is any situation that is going to result in a big change. And change is scary. Is that why the idea of a crisis is ultimately the idea of trouble?

Crisis = Change = Trouble?

Ch-ch-ch-changes

No time to blog these past few weeks. Finishing up at Lifelong. Starting up at KEXP. So much going on, and so little time.

Seems like my life has been almost constantly changing since I arrived in Seattle two years ago. And here we go again. Another big change. Weirdly, I'm sort of starting to get used to all of these changes. Where I used to fear change, I now embrace it, look forward to it, enjoy it. I realize that change helps me to stay present and aware. I am hugely interested in evolution and personal growth, and I feel unbelievably lucky to be in the time and the place and the state of mind I am in right now.

And with all the change that has come in past two years, who knows what's next? The possibilities make me giddy.