Brand New Year

I have been decidedly neglectful when it comes to this blog.  My Birthday Goal is to write more, and so, with just 9 days remaining before the big day, I might as well get started.

Yes, Gentle Reader, I am turning 34 this year.  I will officially enter my mid-thirties.  I will be in my last year before moving on to a new age range on surveys and stuff.  So.  Does anyone remember my 33rd birthday?  I bet some of you do because I am *quite* vocal when I'm upset about something.  And wow, was I upset.  I hated my birthday last year.  I was unhappy with where I was in life - in a lot of ways.  I really just wanted the day to end. 

But this is a brand new year.

I am in a much different place.  And on this year's birthday, I will actually be in a different place.  Las Vegas.  Oh hell yeah.  No one can be blue in Vegas on their birthday. 

I might even bring some ether. 

"There was madness in any direction, at any hour. You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning. "

Back to the Beginning

It's the last day of the year. I think today is a really interesting, fine-balance sort of a day because while everyone is all reflective and focused inward on the past 365 days, we are also looking forward toward the future. The next 365 days hold nothing but promise. Today, 2010 can be anything we want it to be. And with resolutions firmly in place, we can envision our perfect year.

I like this idea. The idea of standing at the start of the yellow brick road, the possibilities stretched out before us. We can see the months of the year laid out in front of us. We strain our eyes to see the days ahead, but they disappear into the horizon. There's so much potential, so much promise, so much opportunity. This is the year, we think to ourselves. This year will be the best year yet.

But why is this feeling of hope limited to one or two days of the year? Why must we measure our lives so rigidly? Why are we limited by calendars and schedules and Outlook? Why can't every day be the first day?

There's nothing we can do today that a little resolution tomorrow won't fix.

It's My Party, and I'll Cry If I Want To

Yesterday, I was all set to write a blog about turning 33 today, and not looking back and thinking ahead toward the future, and blah, blah, blah. Well, I never quite managed to get around to writing it yesterday.

And today seems to be a different day entirely.

Yes, it’s my 33rd birthday today. And I am definitely not feeling the birthday fun. I have absolutely no desire to wear my birthday tiara. In fact, it’s possible that I may stomp on my birthday tiara.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m having the hardest time with this birthday. There’s no reason in particular. I am not afraid of getting older. I am okay with the lines on my face and the gray in my hair. In general, I am a very happy person – I like the person that I’ve become over the past 33 years. So what’s the problem? I guess I had always thought I would be in a different place by this time: accomplished more, acquired more, done more. I am not married – divorced in fact. No family. No real career path. I feel like I look around at many of my high school and college friends, and they seem so together. Big time careers, marriage, babies, success. I realize that I have never, okay, not always taken the traditional path. I know that I have often taken life’s scenic route. And that is something I usually really like about myself. But lately, I’ve been sort of wishing, longing even, for something more traditional. Is this a grass is always greener situation? I mean, I’m certainly not regretting all of places I’ve been, the experiences I’ve had, the uniqueness of my life. But today I’m wondering if I’ve taken too many detours along the way. I’m so far away from the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and the Outback station wagon, I can’t even envision what they might look like.

I don’t like this feeling of, dare I say it – regret. This was supposed to be my blog about looking toward the future with positive and hopeful eyes. And instead, I’m just looking back at a life that is no longer an option.

Off to work now. Maybe fighting the good fight will make my birthday blues seem a little less important. It certainly should.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

No time to blog these past few weeks. Finishing up at Lifelong. Starting up at KEXP. So much going on, and so little time.

Seems like my life has been almost constantly changing since I arrived in Seattle two years ago. And here we go again. Another big change. Weirdly, I'm sort of starting to get used to all of these changes. Where I used to fear change, I now embrace it, look forward to it, enjoy it. I realize that change helps me to stay present and aware. I am hugely interested in evolution and personal growth, and I feel unbelievably lucky to be in the time and the place and the state of mind I am in right now.

And with all the change that has come in past two years, who knows what's next? The possibilities make me giddy.

Time After Time

Margaret Atwood, my favorite author, says in Cat's Eye, "Time is not a line but a dimension. You don't look back along time but down through it, like water. Sometimes this comes to the surface, sometimes that, sometimes nothing. Nothing ever goes away."

This makes sense to me. Good sense. It also helps me justify time travel in my head. And I love the idea of time travel.

But even so, isn't it strange how, after a relationship ends, it's so hard to remember the details later on. It's almost like a dream, or a story you heard from someone else a long time ago. Like it never really happened to you at all.

But once in a while, all of a sudden, something reminds you of him. A song, a smell, a voice, and there it is. So I guess Margaret is right after all. Nothing ever goes away. Even if you wish it would.