Back to the Beginning

It's the last day of the year. I think today is a really interesting, fine-balance sort of a day because while everyone is all reflective and focused inward on the past 365 days, we are also looking forward toward the future. The next 365 days hold nothing but promise. Today, 2010 can be anything we want it to be. And with resolutions firmly in place, we can envision our perfect year.

I like this idea. The idea of standing at the start of the yellow brick road, the possibilities stretched out before us. We can see the months of the year laid out in front of us. We strain our eyes to see the days ahead, but they disappear into the horizon. There's so much potential, so much promise, so much opportunity. This is the year, we think to ourselves. This year will be the best year yet.

But why is this feeling of hope limited to one or two days of the year? Why must we measure our lives so rigidly? Why are we limited by calendars and schedules and Outlook? Why can't every day be the first day?

There's nothing we can do today that a little resolution tomorrow won't fix.

Whatever you are, be a good one.

Last night I went to see Land of the Sweets, a burlesque version of the Nutcracker, at the Triple Door. So much fun! First, for those of you that haven't been to the Triple Door - it was my first time - this place is fantastic. Super cool vibe, great food from Wild Ginger, posh decor. The tables are tiered, so it didn't really feel like there could be a bad seat. If you have 4 people in your group, you can reserve your own cozy little booth. It was just myself and Maura this time, but it's definitely in the plan to bring along a few more ladies or the boys the next time around.

But we weren't there for the venue. No, we were there for the ladies! And, a couple men as well. (Side note: when men perform in burlesque shows, it's called boylesque. I did not know this.)

The women in the show were incredible - they're undeniably talented. But what's most interesting to me is their absolute comfort in their own bodies. These ladies are hot, definitely, but you know, they're not perfect. A little jiggle to the thighs here, a little tummy bump there. They are real women, unairbrushed and unapologetic. They own it. I find this unbelievably empowering. I have been struggling with my own body image lately. I've been working out, taking care of myself, eating right, but I'm still not where I would like to be. I seem to be overexaming my own body, focusing on what's wrong instead of what's right. I am strong now, stronger than I've ever been. I am not afraid of a challenge anymore. I have a newfound confidence in what I can do physically. There is no more fear. And yet. And yet. And yet, I still step on the scale every day and curse it. I still beat myself up over a bit of overindulgement. I still obsess over my (much smaller than before) belly.

Not anymore.

I am not perfect, but I am going to own what I am. I am strong. I am tough. I can hike and climb and run and lift heavy things. I am sexy. And I can eat a big fat cinammon roll. And I can skip a workout. And I am still strong and sexy. Just because I am.

A Long December

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I'm honestly not quite sure what's going on. And I can't quite pinpoint what's different. I just feel, I don't know, off. I'm so tired all of the time, and my moods have been awful. I'm totally sweating the small stuff, and I'm having a hard time articulating myself. It's kind of like I'm in a fog. And the weird thing is, I'm taking better care of myself than ever. I work out a lot. I eat healthy. I drink lots of water and get lots of sleep. If anything, I should be feeling incredible. Instead, I'm all blah.

Maybe it's just the pre-Christmas blues. I realized the other day that all of my favorite Christmas songs are the really sad ones. (Side note: Isn 't it odd how many sad holiday songs there really are? For the most wonderful time of the year, a lot of folks seem to be feeling pretty crappy.) For the past few years, and this year as well, Tim and I have spent Christmas in Seattle. I am always happy that we make this decision - it's so much less stressful to go home in January or February, after the chaos is over. But even though I'm happy, I know that on the day, I will be blue. So am I just gearing up for the sadness of being away from MI that I know is coming? Am I just tired of the cold? Am I just in a funk, a rut?

I've got no answers here. I'm not sure what else I can do. Stay positive. Get more Vitamin C. Talk to family and friends more often. Take advantage of what the city has to offer. Challenge myself in new ways. Try some new things. Finally go to yoga. Yes. Okay. Point taken.