Decisions, decisions....

So as a Libra, I have an incredibly hard time making decisions. I weigh and I balance. I make lists and I compare the options. I finally make a decision, and then I change my mind. I often resort to flipping a coin or eenie meenie minie moe. Not a good way to make grown-up choices.

And I am ashamed to admit that, sometimes, I have actually made decisions based on fear. Fear of change or fear of the unknown. Fear of failure, or fear of looking stupid. Fear of offending or people disliking me and my choices. This is ridiculous, I know. Why would anyone do something or NOT based on what might happen?! It sounds crazy, but I know I am not alone in this.

And so now I have made an actual decision. And yes, I did have to hem and haw over this one as well. I will no longer make choices based on fear. I will not allow fear to dictate my life. I will try things that I may not be good at. I will verbalize the things I believe in even if they might not be popular. I will take chances and be present. I will do these things.

Unless I change my mind, and I don't.

Do you like me? (Check yes or no)

I’m learning a hard lesson lately. A lesson I probably should have learned when I was, oh, eight or something. I’m learning that not everybody has to like me. It’s okay if not everybody likes me. I’m not saying this is an easy thing for me to learn, just that I’m slowly coming to terms with it.
Yes, I’m definitely one of those people that worry about what other people think of me. Okay, I’m one of those people that worry about pretty much everything. But especially about what people think of me. I don’t know that the worrying necessarily changes any of my behavior. No, it really just gives me something to obsess over.
But seriously, I’m coming to terms with the idea that not everyone will always like me. I know for sure that I do not top the favorite person list of someone I work with. He doesn’t do or say anything that demonstrates his general feeling of “eh” about me. I just know it. For awhile I battled this. I tried to make him like me. I basically forced my funny, sweet, charming self down his throat ‘til he gagged. And then he pretty much threw up.
So screw it, I say! Not everyone in the world may like me, but I know I’ve got a pretty fantastic fan club going on. So what if my Mom is the president?

Correction, my dear

I think it must have something to do with LOST, but lately, I have become a huge fan of the idea of course correction. Mostly this just means fate, but I like the phrase "course correction". While having our Sunday morning pho, Tim and I were talking about how small chance meetings or happenings can take your life in a completely new and different direction. I think that there are certain people we are just destined to meet. One way or another, even with missed connections and all that, these meetings are just meant to be. Course correction will see to that. Now the question is: does this idea just give us all free reign to do whatever we want because fate will eventually step in? I would say, because I also believe in karma, that the answer is no. Karma and fate go hand-in-hand. We get what we give. I find this idea comforting. As long as I try to be a good person, to be kind to others, to practice empathy, I will end up where I am meant to be.
Sometimes I look back through the past few years, and I have some regrets. I question some of my decisions. But then I remember that all of these choices led me to where I am today. Where I'm meant to be. And I love where that is.

Oh, Baby!

So it seems that I have no maternal instinct. None.
The absolute cutest baby in the world was cooing and crawling all over our place last night, and while I think she’s adorable, I am not feeling that rush of baby-fever that everyone else my age seems to be having. Am I just being selfish? Scared? Tim seems to be a complete natural at being a father. It was totally effortless. When I called him out on it, he says no, it’s just that he gets distracted by new things. A baby could just as easily be a cat or something shiny. Hmm. This sounds doubtful. I think he’s trying to make me feel better about this womanly gene I seem to be missing.
And that’s the big question, isn’t it? If, for some reason, as a woman you choose not to have a child, are you less of a woman? Society appears to say yes. And while I have never been one to choose the traditional path, I too feel this pressure to getting married, have kids, buy a minivan, and go to Disney World on vacation. If I don’t do those things, will I regret it later on? And is that a valid reason for doing anything? Fear that if you don’t, you’ll just regret it later on?
And why don’t men struggle with these issues? I can tell you for a fact that Tim isn’t up nights trying to decide if fatherhood is in his future. And he’s certainly not questioning himself as a MAN in relation to being a father.
And even if he were, apparently, he would be quickly be distracted by something shiny.